Tina explains the hiatus (sort of)

[wickedcherub]

... in which Tina tries to work herself out.



In the past month or so, I've been going through a major age crisis. I sort of hinted at the idea that I felt that time was running out in this post here, but it wasn't the full picture. I'm turning 25 in July. 24 was the year I was supposed to get everything figured out.

My dad was 24 when his parents both died. He'd already had done so much - steered a refugee boat to Thailand and started a new life in Australia with nothing. The idea that my dad could just die suddenly now freaks me the fuck out.

My mum was 24 when she had me. When she and dad had decided they were finally able to start a family. I don't want a family right now, I don't think I'm capable, but I don't want to wait until I'm 35.

silverthoughts was 24 when I met her, when she picked up from her family and moved halfway across the world to be independent and make it on her own. She has long been a role model of mine and it is so depressing to be so far behind.

For me, 24 is the last year I can say I'm still young. You are no longer young at 25. Sure, you're not old, but unless you're a hobbit, you're not a kid by anyone's standards.

I'd long given up hope that the Tina at 24 would be anything like what the Tina at 16 thought the Tina at 24 would be. But still, I thought I would be more than this.

And I freaked the fuck out.

So.

I figured I'd at least stop wasting many many hours of my day on the Internet. Get off the net and actually do something.

So I worked hard at uni, went to work, involved myself in charity work and helped around the house. I also got sick (boo) but that wasn't really part of the plan. I hung out with my brother a lot and discussed his life, God (or lack thereof) and whether the Jedi would beat the X-men (they wouldn't.) I tried to get closer to my mum.

I went out. A lot. I tried to reconnect with all my offline friends, meet new people, give new places and new faces a go.

Mostly all I worked out was that the people I'm most comfortable with are the people that I also know online. Which is a reason why I'm back. That the millions of parties and dates I went on, the few times I felt at ease and comfortable was when I was surrounded by my friends who also talked to me via email, on MSN and on LiveJournal and MySpace. They were the ones who knew all sides of me.

I tried to do all of this without blathering about it every night on LiveJournal. Tried to work it all out for myself. I still don't know how successful I was - especially since I'm sitting here now, blathering about it.

Then I had to work out something that was really bothering me - my boy situation. 16 year old Tina had pegged Future!Tina to be married to a boy named Khiem by the age of 28.

24 year old Tina spent well over a month working on this boy situation. Which deserves another post.

Comments

[silverthoughts.livejournal.com]

no words but this: hang in there. 24 is not the end of the world.

[akahannah.livejournal.com]

Hang in there. ♥ ♥ ♥

[natatree.livejournal.com]

it must be the new mid- mid life crisis. My boyfriend is 24, turning 25 and going through a very similar experience.

If it makes you feel better, I admire you and think you do wonderfly from what I know of you. You do have a life, and you do make a difference. <3

[danbi.livejournal.com]

Hah, I had similar sorts of thoughts when I turned 25. Even now I wonder about how I thought I'd be by this time - married and going to graduate school and making big bucks. But I've just no interest in that anymore, at least not at this point in life. Twenty-five gets to feel like a huge number, once it happens. In my case, anyway.

At the same time, I gotta say that turning twenty-five made me want to be an adult a little bit more. Sure, even now and again I feel a bit weird about spending at least thirty percent of my free time discussing or watching stuff like anime, but...I dunno. You can still have fun at any age. I find that thinking too much about my previous expectations does not much more than either make me laugh or bring me down, so I just focus on now.

And that'd be my advice to you. Forget what you used to hope for, think about what you want now. Feel free to ignore this of course.

[txvoodoo.livejournal.com]

Oh, you are SO NOT "no longer young" at 25!!!!!!!!!!!

That's so true, I'll say it again.

Oh, you are SO NOT "no longer young" at 25!!!!!!!!!!!

REALLY.

You are doing beautifully! Seriously, I look at the Tina that is now, and remember the young girl I first meant online oh-so-long ago, and all I can feel is happiness at the lovely, smart young woman you are. You've grown so much!

So, if your path is a slower one than others, that's ok. It's YOUR path, and you're walking it beautifully. You have grace and charm, and the ability to make people smile and feel warm.

I too feel most comfortable, with a few exceptions, with the people I've met online. I don't know if it's because I'm so different from most of the people who are geographically near me, but I find people who reach my soul online. The ones who understand my "weirdness" or whatever, and don't judge me for it, but instead embrace me because of it.

I have to wonder if, in 50 or 100 years, anyone will still have this kind of existential crisis of thought: "am I weird if the people I like best are connected to me by electrons, not a few miles and feet?" If the divide will even exist. I look at the world today, and see one where we may end up having to severely limit our transportation options to preserve fuel and reduce emissions. Telecommuting is going to make more and more sense. So won't we all find our own virtual villages?

Ok, now I'm blathering :D But - sum it up: 24 year-old Tina is GREAT. Is someone I'm proud to call a friend - "real life" or online. And without her, my life would be diminished in a way.

[irradiatedsoup.livejournal.com]

*hugs joo*

I would say something wise here, but you've inadvertantly given me my own mid-life crisis. ;P

[oohasparklie.livejournal.com]

To quote one of my very favorite movies:

"The only thing you have to be at 24 is you."

But it's so true. We love you, Tina. As the people in your real life love you. No matter what age you are.

Also, I'm 32 and I don't feel any older than I did at 24. It's all a state of mind. Don't let your age define you. You are so much more than that.

I love the bit about your online place being where you are most comfortable. I feel that way, too.

[reposoir.livejournal.com]

I echo the commenters who say that 24 is not the end of the world. 30, maybe, but not 24. ;)

[kessie.livejournal.com]

First, I'm glad you're back and that you're mostly okay.

When my dad was younger than me now, he had already left school and was working full-time to support his mother and the rest of his younger siblings (and there were a lot of them). My grandfather had died. He wouldn't meet my mom for another while and I wouldn't arrive until he was thirty-three. Except then, he came in oe day a few months ago complaining about his back and how difficult climbing onto the roof was, and it suddenly occured to me that this was my father. He was in his fifties, still climbing onto the roof, and taking average age statistics into account he definitely wasn't getting any younger. He should be thinking about his retirement, not getting my sister into college.

I was thinking about something like this the other day, when I was walking to work. That when I was around 13, I remember thinking that by the time I would hit my twenties it would be okay. I'd have figured it all out, this life thing. I would be an Adult and everything would be okay. Except now I'm 21 and that pretty much hasn't happened. :| I feel less like an adult now than I did a few years ago when it definitely wasn't the case.

That said, on the one hand, logically, I can see that I'm on the young side of age. Except that my friends are starting to find something close to the One and I've never been on a proper date because they don't feature into Irish culture. There may be something in the maybe-sort of-possibly? realm of like-liking someone going on, but it's far too early and I keep freaking out that I'm going to mess up. But, well, it's a lot more than I've ever had., but when your best friends starts mentioning marriage and babies at twenty-one, something is definitely up and you're definitely out of the loop. You, meaning me.

I also definitely feel more comfortable with the people I know online. I've given up trying to figure out how it works, except that ir does and I no longer just dismiss the people I know online as, well, people I know online when I vaguely mention them to friends I know in RL. Since my oldest friends online know me better than the aforementioned RL best friend, I have to give them that much credit. I'm lucky to actually live near people I know online by now, and it's amazing.

I still get nervous making an angsty RL post online, but, dude, if someone doesn't want to read it, they can let me know or just skip. I have few people to talk to in RL, never mind cutting off the ones I can talk to online. :D

But! Yay for attempting to work on this boy situation! And, again, I'm glad you're back. *hugs*

[helpful-corn.livejournal.com]

Glad you're back. I pretty much agree with what everyone is saying, and I think I had my "quarter life crisis" too at your age. But as I think about it, the older I got, I was able to do and have more things that I wanted. Now, if I can only figure out how to not be a bit embarrassed about my fandom. Hee...

[bonzabud.livejournal.com]

oh goodness, that was hard to read because it cut so close to home :[

I have nothing helpful to offer because I'm in a similar state, but I am glad you're back on LJ :)

[klepto-malfoy.livejournal.com]

you're 24. that's not that old.
you'll manage. just don't ... give up? i guess?
you'll figure it out.

[thawrecka]

I have no deep thoughts. Only that I'm not in any way the thought I'd be by this age when I was younger, either.

[alice-and-lain.livejournal.com]

I'm glad you're back! And I like your blathering and missed it. As for the 24 thing, everyone makes their own way in their own time. But I hear you, I thought I'd be a lot farther in life than I was when I turned 24-25.

[kahvi-elf.livejournal.com]

Hey, 25 is still young! keep up, hang on - live doesn't end when you are 25 :-)
I'm 32 no and I haven't achived half of what I planned when I was 20. I got my diploma 2 years ago, but only a mediocre on. I'm unemployed for two years now and just started a therapy because this drives me into depression more and more.
A friend recently told me that we all go through this phases. We have to struggle to gain a new standpoint, perspective and a new aim.

[(Anonymous)]

Well you don't look a day older than 18. But yeah your love life is destined to be a mess!
(Adam)

[novembersnow.livejournal.com]

*hugs* For what it's worth, I sympathize. I'm turning 30 in November, and I'm having the same kind of freak-out over that impending age milestone as you apparently are about 25. I decided that 2007 would be a Year of Change for me. So far, my progress hasn't been as great as I might have wished, but I have made progress, which is an important step in the right direction. So even though it can be stressful to have some sort of self-imposed deadline like this, I think it's almost worth it if it spurs you to action to make your life better. ♥

[waxrose.livejournal.com]

I'm just glad you're back. I missed seeing you around! Hang in there - you've still got lots of time ahead of you. I know how you feel about the birthday thing, though, to a lesser degree - I've been turning over the idea of turning 20 this summer in my mind and I can't quite understand how I feel about it.

[storyteller.livejournal.com]

I have no advice, but lots of *hugs*

♥♥♥♥

[hiyami.livejournal.com]

I am going through very similar thoughts now. And you know (or you don't) how much older than you I am.

I'm afraid I have no miracle solution. Life is just trying to get the most of what you're handed, and try new things if you're not satisfied with what you have, so you won't have regrets of not having tried.

Which you seem to be doing.
At least you'll have advanced in knowing what you do *not* want your life to be like.

[bouncy.livejournal.com]

♥ Everyone else has said what I think. :)

[beadpixie.livejournal.com]

Glad you're back babe. (Not that I'm actually around here anymore...)

We've got to hang out again some time. Call me.