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I'm a bit of a mess in my head sometimes
Jun. 13th, 2012 10:38 amI'm kind of struggling a bit with my decision to be a stay at home mum at the moment.
I always figured that having me at home was an okay pay off for us having hardly any money. And definitely if we're going to have two kids.
I've just met a lot of people recently, especially at the shops, who have jobs that didn't require years of formal education - the greengrocer lady and the nail technician for example, who are sending their 5 year olds to private schools at $12,000 a year, and whose babies are in strollers that cost more than my car.
Those kids seem well adjusted, if not actually quite bright and very verbal and social.
The logical side of my brain tells me that in all honesty, I was never going to send my kids to a private school during their primary years even if we had won the lottery and strollers that expensive are just a waste of money.
I know it's just.. *stuff*, but I can't help feeling that it's not fair on Liam that I can't provide him with ALL OF THE STUFF!!! Again, logically, I can't think of any stuff that he actually requires right now that he doesn't have, (or Adam hasn't built in one form or another) but it's just a nagging feeling that I can't shake.
I also can't shake the idea that I'm not a very good mum in the first place and that I'm just staying home out of selfishness of wanting to be with Liam and I really shouldn't be a stay at home mum and should use my skills at a paid workplace. Last night I was really tired and had a cold, so I just made Liam a canned tuna/avocado/pasta salad for dinner and I couldn't stop thinking that a) TINA YOU HAVE ONE JOB, TO LOOK AFTER YOUR SON PROPERLY and b) YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF HER ASS AND COOKED HER KIDS A REAL MEAL NO MATTER HOW TIRED SHE WAS.
Which just led me to my constant problem of I FUCKING HATE ADULTHOOD. I hate being an adult, I don't feel like I'm any good at it, I don't have any sort of skills, I can't seem to learn any life lessons, I'm not ready for any of these responsibilities. I've never been good with money, or having to look after myself let alone someone else and now it's all sort of here and I have to deal with it and I don't think I'm doing a very good job and I really wish sometimes I could run away.
And that scares me, because I used to want to run away all the time, and I did, I ran away from friends and problems, I ran away from everything. Adam didn't want to marry me because he thought I was flighty. I promised him with everything I had that I wouldn't run away from him (again. I did it once while we were friends) and now I feel like wanting to do it again, he keeps asking me 'do you want to take us with you??' and I don't know. Yes? No? Sometimes? On a part time basis?
I dunno, I think I am doing okay on a day-to-day basis. It's only sort of when I go to bed that all these thoughts overwhelm me. I enjoy being at home, I really do. It's the bestest ever, I just need to know it's the right thing to do.
I always figured that having me at home was an okay pay off for us having hardly any money. And definitely if we're going to have two kids.
I've just met a lot of people recently, especially at the shops, who have jobs that didn't require years of formal education - the greengrocer lady and the nail technician for example, who are sending their 5 year olds to private schools at $12,000 a year, and whose babies are in strollers that cost more than my car.
Those kids seem well adjusted, if not actually quite bright and very verbal and social.
The logical side of my brain tells me that in all honesty, I was never going to send my kids to a private school during their primary years even if we had won the lottery and strollers that expensive are just a waste of money.
I know it's just.. *stuff*, but I can't help feeling that it's not fair on Liam that I can't provide him with ALL OF THE STUFF!!! Again, logically, I can't think of any stuff that he actually requires right now that he doesn't have, (or Adam hasn't built in one form or another) but it's just a nagging feeling that I can't shake.
I also can't shake the idea that I'm not a very good mum in the first place and that I'm just staying home out of selfishness of wanting to be with Liam and I really shouldn't be a stay at home mum and should use my skills at a paid workplace. Last night I was really tired and had a cold, so I just made Liam a canned tuna/avocado/pasta salad for dinner and I couldn't stop thinking that a) TINA YOU HAVE ONE JOB, TO LOOK AFTER YOUR SON PROPERLY and b) YOUR MOTHER WOULD HAVE GOTTEN OFF HER ASS AND COOKED HER KIDS A REAL MEAL NO MATTER HOW TIRED SHE WAS.
Which just led me to my constant problem of I FUCKING HATE ADULTHOOD. I hate being an adult, I don't feel like I'm any good at it, I don't have any sort of skills, I can't seem to learn any life lessons, I'm not ready for any of these responsibilities. I've never been good with money, or having to look after myself let alone someone else and now it's all sort of here and I have to deal with it and I don't think I'm doing a very good job and I really wish sometimes I could run away.
And that scares me, because I used to want to run away all the time, and I did, I ran away from friends and problems, I ran away from everything. Adam didn't want to marry me because he thought I was flighty. I promised him with everything I had that I wouldn't run away from him (again. I did it once while we were friends) and now I feel like wanting to do it again, he keeps asking me 'do you want to take us with you??' and I don't know. Yes? No? Sometimes? On a part time basis?
I dunno, I think I am doing okay on a day-to-day basis. It's only sort of when I go to bed that all these thoughts overwhelm me. I enjoy being at home, I really do. It's the bestest ever, I just need to know it's the right thing to do.
